Me Alone

Pressure; the constant expectation.
Pushing, prodding, giving no time to breathe.
Catch your breath, take deep breaths.
Spell it out. Spill your guts.
Tell me the truth. Tell me nothing.
Open your heart, do it now!
Always alone, you're always alone.
Act like everyone. Be like everyone.
Try harder. Make a move.
They're not men. Do their job.
Create a spark, create it now!
Start a fire, use water and ice.
Do it now! You're more alone.
Break your heart! Do it now!
Jump! Give up! Run! Run away!
Run away until you're alone.
Take a breath, take deep breaths.
Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

My Computer: Another Appendage

You know, I never realized how much I used my computer...well that's not entirely true, I know I have a pretty serious computer addiction. (I am seeking help) But I never realized how much my computer would actually be missed until it was gone. Just like all those old people say, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone", I suddenly feel electronically naked. Now the only thing I can do to fill the writing needs I have is write on Facebook or my email. It wasn't until today...almost two weeks since my computer broke, that I realized I had this blog thingy I can write on.

My computer has been unfailingly dependent since I got her, then about two weeks ago a message appeared on the screen that I had never seen before. My Dell Media Direct was uploading information...which it had never done before. Sadly I decided it would be a good idea to press a bunch of buttons to make it go away and now my sweet, beautiful computer is caught in some kind of loop warning. I hate my life!

The saddest part about being without my computer, not just the fact that I can't do anything, but the fact that every paper I have ever written is on that computer. Every song I have ever bought is on that computer, and every picture I have ever taken is on that computer. I am told that I should be able to get everything off safely. But like all things in life there is no guarantee. What's even more sad...(I know I say that all the time, but this time I mean it) what's really sad is that for the past few months I have been thinking I needed to do something with my stuff on my hard drive. I have been having this feeling that I needed to get an external hard drive, and I even went and looked at some but I never bought one. It's moments like this that we all kick ourselves again and again for not listening to our first impression.

I even thought of putting it on my family's external hard drive...and yet I still didn't. I hate myself.

News from Utah County

Finals have come and gone and I am almost done with another semester:) I can't believe how fast time is going, even though it seems ridiculously long while in the chaos, I am surprised to have it end already. (When you are in eternal torment, you kind of expect it to be eternal.) However, the end has come and I am glad to be finished yet again. Unfortunately I did something really stupid and signed up for summer semester so now I only have five days in between when I get done and when I start up again...at least I will be a couple classes closer to when I graduate, right?

In other news, my beautiful sister is getting married! She has met a wonderful Brit who has stolen her heart and carried it to England. They will be married on August 20 something or other...don't really know the exact date. But they will be married in the Manti Temple for time and all stinking eternity. It's a good thing they really like each other cause that is a freaking long time... He is a brilliant bloke and they are perfect together. I know people always say that but it's really true this time. I don't think it could have worked out any better if God had planned it...oh wait He did.

On the weather front, it's finally spring, the tulips are blooming the bees are buzzing and...what is that snow? Yes we have been experiencing wonderful spring-ish weather here. And then tomorrow is predicted that a snow storm is to "grace" the valley. Luckily it won't last as long as the last snow storm; where it lasted for three weeks or more and then all of the sudden, 80 degree heat (Thank you, Utah).

In business news, I have decided what I want to be when I grow up...OK I know I already decided this a long time ago. But I have recently made some serious goals for my future. Hopefully, I will be able to serve an LDS mission, I have started my papers and plan to have them finished so that I can leave not too long after Brittni gets married. Either during or after my mission, I plan to write, write, and write (what my English teacher keep telling me to do). And then I plan on publishing my first book by the time I am 25. Quite the goal right? Well it may not work out exactly as I plan, as we all must know by now that things don't usually work out that well. But I am going to do it anyway and if I don't succeed, then try, try...well you get the idea.

I know there might be a few kinks in my plan (as there usually are) like how I will be on a mission so it might be hard to publish a book and all that. But I have a feeling that these things are going to work themselves out. They always do. :)

Old habits and all that...

You know I have changed my hair a lot...I have been blond, red, brown, black, and even several mixtures. But as the summer approaches and the tint of change is in the sky, I find myself longing to be back to the old me. Good old brunette! There have been many lessons learned from my golden locks. The one being that guys really do think blonds are hotter. I have found that as a blond I have actually been hit on more...which I find weird. Girls however, didn't really treat me differently. I was pretty much just the same as if I was brunette. It just goes to show that most guys (not all) are kind of shallow. However, to my boyfriends credit, it didn't really matter to him what color I was...he still thought I was beautiful. (At least that's what he tells me) :)
I do however feel that my hair while pretty as a natural brown, looks better with some blond in it. I really do love my hair blond...it's fun and exciting. But I just miss the old me. I loved going blond! I have always wanted to try...and when my sister Brittni was the first to make the attempt I knew I would look good with blond hair. It was just a matter of building the courage. But now that I have had blond hair for the last five months I think I could use some chocolate. (hair that is, I don't really love chocolate, as in the candy) K... I don't know that that made any sense...but you get the idea.

Acclaim to College

*sigh* here I am 22 years old and still going to school. This fall will mark the 4th year of college for me. However, unfortunately I am not graduating...this is due to my lack in motivation, my fear of college and largely because, until last year I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grow up. So I spent the first two years of my college career doing EVERYTHING but my generals. I took interior design classes, ice skating classes, raquetball classes, bowling, film, golf (sadly, it came to that), photography, drawing, and even several Pilates classes. I did everything to try to avoid taking any classes that would seriously challenge me...I was terrified of failing.
But now here I am almost to year four and I love college....well I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I don't love college...but I don't know what I would do without it. It motivates me strangely enough. Everyday when I go to class I feel smarter, and better for doing what I know I can do now. I know that I can do college, I honestly know that about myself. And college is what made me see that I can do college. :)
And as for my motivation...it magnanimously grew. For instance; in the last month I have learned more about writing, American History, Science, sewing, reading, movies, and even the universe...literally. (I'm taking Astronomy) School has, oddly enough, also helped my testimony grow in my religion. As such I am now planning to spend a year and half serving the Lord. Yes I am planning to go on an LDS mission in the very near future and I cannot wait!
So college, for all its painful, distasteful, unbearable, unbelievable, insipid, ridiculous annoyances, has actually helped me. So I would like to take this moment to say thank you. Not only to the actual institution, but also to those teachers who constantly tried to pry socialism down my throat, or those who pushed me to do things that didn't think I could do, for those teachers or professors (as some liked to be called) who decided that I was worth it. For those in the financial aid department who had to suffer my wrath when I wasn't paid on time. And especially for my family and those around me who knew I could do it and constantly gave me encouragement! Finally, thank you, Utah Valley University! I know that you have only just become a real live university, but I was there with you when you were still just a state college. And you have always (most of the time) been good to me. And I thank you for that! I thank you for those good times when I had to spend 90 dollars on a parking pass only to spend an hour looking for a spot. Those times when I fell asleep in the desks in the Computer Science building, or when I had to run from the L.A. building to the G.T. building in only ten minutes time. I thank you for those wonderful memories! And I wish you nothing but good things and bigger parking lots!
Love Briana (your favorite student)

Night Run

Tonight at 10:15pm I decided to do the impossible and go for a run. Now running at night is stupid enough in any state, but running at night in Utah where its 12 degrees was not something on my "to do" list. Luckily my answer sat in the spare bedroom in the form of a treadmill. So I gleefully began getting ready for said run, pulling my hair up, charging my iPod, filling up a water bottle, and putting on running shoes. This is where the story gets really interesting. See at first I was going to put on my old, very used up, very painful running shoes. But I decided at the last second that I didn't want my ankles to be in pain for the rest of the night and grabbed the oh so wonderful shoes that Laura (my dear older sister) had sent home from Germany. These shoes were newer and more comfortable. This seemed like a perfect idea. I pulled on the shoes and bounced around the house while still preparing for the run. I began my run with the amazing musical talents of Puff Daddy and then moved on to the awesomely new talents of Paramore. I ran excitedly, glad that I was finally getting motivated. I was on the ball and being the kind of person I wanted to be.After the 15 min run I jumped off ready for the next portion of my exercise. The Pilates exercises. I went to my room layed on the floor and was about to do the 100's when I noticed I still had my running shoes on. And it's kind of hard to do the 100's with shoes on cause it adds extra weight to your legs. So I kicked off my shoes and began again. And that's when I noticed it...the giant dark spot on my sock around the big toe area. I stared confused for a moment at the spot, thinking that it might just be a stain. And just as I reached up to touch said spot to test if it was actually a spot. I noticed the tiny, little, black legs that were attached to the spot. Tiny, little, black, spider legs. Disgusting, tiny, little, black spider legs, with dark black hair poking out. I sat for a moment in complete shock. What had just happened to me? Did I seriously just kill a spider that had been living in my shoe? These questions flew through my mind as I ripped off the nasty sock and flung it across the room. Then I began to pace and I couldn't control my voice anymore. Suddenly I was yelping like an ego bruised dog. I also then began to wonder, how long had the spider been in there? And how long was it alive while my foot was in there with it? Did it last until I started running? Did it die the second it smelled my foot? (That's just sad) Or was it alive in there while I was getting ready for my run, contemplating biting me? Was it terrified for it's life? Worried what was going to happen to it? Did it see it's little spider life flash before it's eyes? Did it feel the pain long enough to know whose boss?...I hope so.

This is the picture of the nasty little bugger who didn't last very long in the fight with my shoe.

The Declaration of Womanhood Independence

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one woman, to dissolve the emotional bands which have connected her with a boyfriend, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of womanhood and of womanhood’s God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of womanhood requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation. I hold these truths to be self- evident, that all women are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of the perfect guy! That to secure these rights; laws are instituted among women, deriving their just powers from the consent of the women.

That whenever any form of boyfriend, becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the woman to alter or to abolish him, and to institute a new boyfriend, laying his foundation on such principles and organizing the power in such form, as to them, the women, shall seem most likely to affect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that boyfriends long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that women are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the relationships to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of laziness and pigheadedness, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is her right, it is her duty, to throw off such a boyfriend, and to provide a new boyfriend for her future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of this woman; and such is now the necessity which constrains me to alter my former relationship with said boyfriend.