So I have a confession to make... I am a... well a hopeless romantic. There, I said it. I am a hopeless romantic. I love reading CLEAN romance novels. (please guys I am not dirty, I just like reading about love that works out) It's the same reason I love the movie Shall We Dance, with Richard Gere. He loves his wife and they almost get a divorce and then they discover the romance again! But I don't really like reading about older romances, too old and I picture my grandparents... and that's just weird...

But here's the catch, I have never had a boyfriend... I love reading about love and hearing about love, and watching mushy chick-flicks, but when some guy starts to show interest in me, I freak out. You know like the Runaway Bride... I think that I am a lot like her, only with boyfriends, in the sense that I have gotten close to having a boyfriend several times, but then at the last second I bolt.

I think this has to do with this idea that I have had for a long time... about true love... I have never really found a guy that I would want to make that kind of commitment to. And I know what some people would say to that. That sometimes you just need to go for it and live life. But it's not that I have never liked guys, I have. I have had many a crush, but they never amounted to anything. And sometimes when they started to amount to something, just like all the times before, I bolted. I realized that what I thought I wanted wasn't what I really wanted at all. And I haven't found it yet. I try not to search... a watched pot and all that. But it gets hard sometimes when I see my friends fall in and out of love... but that's the thing... are they really falling in and out of "love"? And what is it that they feel that makes them want to start a relationship with someone? Not that I have never felt strongly about someone... is it just that moment when they can't help it? Like not wanting to wait even a moment to see that person, and getting butterflies (good butterflies) right before you see them? Smiling every time you just think of that person, and wanting to know what that person has to say... even if it's something like... "this sandwich tastes great", respecting that persons opinion so much that you ask them about everything under the sun just to hear what they will say about it. Is it like that?? Are they really falling in love? Or is it just a lucky crush? Do most people need someone there, anyone, and it doesn't matter who?

Because I want the first one... i want to feel butterflies and get excited to see that person, even after 25 years of marriage. I want to respect him so much that I ask his opinion on everything. I want to hear his voice and feel content. And eventually, after 50 years of marriage I want him to be the BEST friend I have ever had. I want him to know me so much that he could tell someone else what I was thinking.

Unfortunately I do understand that life and especially marriage is HARD. I know that there will be times where I will want to be left alone, moments where I will think, what have I gotten myself into? Moments where we fight and argue. But those moments are what make you stronger. Doing everything that you can in those moments to FIGHT with all your might for that friendship. Going to Hell and back just to prove your love to that person. Using that motto of "never give in, never surrender!"
I know that life is not like the movies, that things don't work out perfectly, that you don't always have the right words to say to someone at the exact moment you need to say something. But I still believe in true love, a truer love than anyone can ever really imagine... something to work towards... and that is why I have never ever really committed, because as cheesy as it sounds... I am still looking for my best friend... my hero.

Well now that that little embarrassing display of ridiculous thought and silly hopeless ideas is over... I can shamefully bow my head and walk away...just walk away.